"In the Beginning..."

What could be better than this? Like an open field. Like 5 virgin lanes of unobstructed possibility in both directions--cheap gas and steering a hybrid to boot. Like a Bon Voyage party, distant horizon beneath a brilliant summer's-day sunshine, waves gently swelling, gulls swooping, land-lubbers leaving, buoys tick-tocking like cock-eyed metronomes... Everything in my universe is saying "NOW!" ...but first let me check... wallet... license... broadsword... tube socks... white-out... badger trap... penguin figurines...overstock velvet samples... 1904 Chicago Exposition Commemorative Dirty Playing Card Deck (including infamous Zoe Covington Nine of Hearts! ...Really!)... and, of course, my unopened "Clue" game (Guantanamo version).  Oh, Lord, I'm ready... I'm psyched... I'm bursting... 

STAGE DIRECTIONS: A HUGE SNAIL ENTERS STAGE RIGHT AND VISCOUSLY DEVOURS THE PROTAGONIST.